


it's a dark paradise

by starryfloofs



Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Feels, Best Friends, Bonding, Caretaking, Child Soldiers, Cuddling & Snuggling, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Hurt Obi-Wan Kenobi, Hurt/Comfort, Late Night Conversations, Major Character Injury, Melida/Daan, Mental Instability, Nightmares, Obi-Wan Kenobi Needs a Hug, Obi-Wan Kenobi is a Mess, Past Character Death, Past Violence, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Qui-Gon Jinn's A+ Parenting, Sleepovers, Survivor Guilt, Touch-Starved, Young Obi-Wan Kenobi
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-25
Updated: 2020-08-17
Packaged: 2021-03-04 03:02:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,238
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24916549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starryfloofs/pseuds/starryfloofs
Summary: He had failed his master, he was a disappointment to the Jedi. How he wished his friends would understand that he did not belong here.Unfortunately, they're almost as stubborn as he is.
Relationships: Bant Eerin & Obi-Wan Kenobi, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Plo Koon, Obi-Wan Kenobi & Siri Tachi
Comments: 8
Kudos: 131





	1. the feeling

**Author's Note:**

> here we go again :)
> 
> this is set in the same 'universe' as my other fic, carve me open! just set earlier in Obi-Wan's life.

The odd one out.

The one that didn’t fit in, never fit in.

And it hurt, it hurt, _it hurt_.  
⠀  
⠀  
He was adrift.

He was spinning. The world floating away from him. He couldn’t find anything to hold onto and anchor himself.

Then he was falling.

The darkness rushing up to meet him. Climbing up, up, _up_.

And he was going down.

He could feel his body stiffening, his eyes slipping shut as his heart rate quickened.

And then, **_and then_** —  
⠀  
⠀  
_“ Wake up,_ _Kenobi. We have to leave. ”_  
⠀  
⠀  
No. He didn’t want to open his eyes.

The world is so cold and confusing. He hated everything about it.

He should be dead.

But he wasn’t and he couldn’t understand why.

Those he cared about abandoned him, the others didn’t even want him around. _So why didn’t he die ?_

No. He had to keep Cerasi safe.

He wouldn’t be able to save her, not this time.

And he was so sorry.

So unbelievably sorry, but it no longer mattered because Cerasi is _dead_. Her blood had stained his hands.

_Their blood stained his hands._

They were all dead—

 _ **And he wasn’t dying quick enough.**_  
⠀  
⠀  
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“ Obi-Wan ? Look at me. ”  
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_Wait this isn’t right. They had left him at Melida/Daan. Bant shouldn’t be here._  
⠀  
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He heard the soft thuds of footsteps.

Stupid, stupid, stupid. He should have known someone would find him. He had to leave, they shouldn’t see this — not now, not ever, _not for a single second_.

“ I'm fine. Leave, please. ” he broke, the blank mask crumbling into pieces.

“ You need to leave. You shouldn't see this. I've already disappointed _him_ – you have to leave. ” a strange whimper reached his ears.

 _It came from him_.

He wasn’t convincing at all.

Something warm pressed against his side. Tears gathered in his eyes. But he wouldn’t cry, he couldn’t, he won’t allow himself to. This has to stop, _now_.

“ Obi-Wan, you just came back from something that a child should _never_ have to experience. _Your Master abandoned you,_ _ **betrayed**_ _your trust_. My friend, you're allowed to break. ”  
⠀  
⠀  
He felt his features crumple even more, and he shook his head weakly.

“ I can't, it's my duty not to. ”

“ No, stop this Obi. You can, you're allowed to, it's _okay_. ” she whispered softly. His eyes were on fire. He shut them thightly.

He was horribly ashamed and pained at the same time.

Everything could go wrong and he’d be alone again–

“ _Obi-Wan, you... y-you have my permission._ ”

Then the tears were coming and he could nothing to stop them. He was curling in on himself, arms wrapped so tightly around himself that his muscles ached. But he leaned further into his friend’s warm embrace and buried his nose into her soft robes.

Loud sobs escaped his lips, his whole body tense and trembling with each intake of breath. His being ached and his heart felt empty, _such loneliness was addicting_.

“ I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I failed everyone, _I failed Qui-Gon_. ”

“ _I can't do this, Bant..._ ”

 _What a pathetic excuse of a Jedi. Such a disgrace, such a weakling._  
_⠀_  
_⠀_  
Guilt left a bitter taste in his mouth.

His eyes widened in horror as he aggressively wiped at the tears that rolled down his cheeks. _Run, get out of here,_ ** _leave_**.

 ** _Obi-Wan Kenobi you absolute fool_**.  
⠀  
⠀


	2. WAR

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> her death was the final straw.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a short one, though it helps with explaining several things in the later chapters.

Obi-Wan couldn’t help but feel dread slowly settling in the pit of his stomach.

He knew that the Young had won.

Yet something felt...

 _ **Wrong**_  
_**⠀**_  
_**⠀**_  
The former Padawan limped his way through the swarm of youth checking on one another, corpses still scattered across the grounds as he made his way toward Cerasi and Nield.

He started to take in deep breaths.

_It’s fine._

_**Everything is just fine**_ —

_Dangerdangerdangerdanger_

**_LOOK OUT !!_**  
⠀  
⠀  
He started to race towards them, the Force rippling around him as it kept sending waves upon waves of shrill warnings. He could hear it, the crackling sound of intense plasma energy ripping through the air, rushing to its target so quickly no one but him noticed. His blood ran cold.

“ _CERASI !!_ ”

The Force seemingly vanished from his grasp, he tried reaching for it to make the bolt kriffing _stop_ , he tried reaching for it to shove her away— but emptiness was what greeted him.

“ _CERASI LOOK OUT_. ”  
⠀  
⠀  
Rage took over his being, making his blood boil as the inferno he tried so hard to hide engulfed him. His fingers curled around the crisp fabric of one’s collar, and he almost laughed at the familiar hum of the Force, _almost_. Obi-Wan ignored how the man begged for mercy, limbs dangling uselessly as his body was lifted up into the air and slowly pulled away from them.

He ignored the disappointment his mind provided in the voice of Qui-Gon Jinn. He ignored the feeling of being utterly _disgusted_ by himself, by his actions, _by his choice of how to handle the situation_.

But the voices fell silent as he pulled the trigger. A strange sense of satisfaction washing over him as the spy’s body crumpled to the ground.  
⠀  
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“ _THEY KILLED HER,_ ** _TRAITORS ! BASTARDS !!_** ”  
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He gathered her limp form in his shaking arms. _Everything they had worked so hard for, vanquished by one simple bolt, by one simple order._ ** _How dare they_**.

“ Cerasi, she wouldn't... _She wouldn't have wanted this._ No revenge, no more. ”

He kept reminding himself, over and over and over again.

_‘ too late for that. you killed that spy, didn't you? cerasi wouldn't have wanted you to do that, she would have shown him mercy but you didn't even hesitate. you're_ **_tainted_ ** _kenobi, you let your anger control you. ’_

He wept. It was the only thing he could do.  
⠀  
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_“ Just so you two know. When I do die in this forsaken war, bury me near the lake okay? Bury me where my happiness lies,_ ** _promise me_** _. ”_  
⠀  
⠀

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> poor kid.


	3. please don't say that

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> siri had enough of his shielding.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for the long wait! it's been, chaos, both good and bad. i got a puppy :)

Ever since coming back to the Temple, he rarely spent time with his friends and he used his free time to catch up on the classes that he missed, other than that he’s been refusing to go back to Qui-Gon and his shared rooms. With permission from Master Yoda he’s been spending his nights in the Lune Gardens, for some reason he always feels at peace there, he was able to focus and meditate here like he used to do on a daily basis — it was also the place where he just, let things out, because he wasn’t going to speak to another about these things anytime soon. Or he hoped it wouldn’t be anytime soon, his friends had been trying to get him to talk for a while now, their efforts to just make him _smile_ were very much impressive, but he didn’t say anything not did he react in any way. He also hoped that he could stay alone for a while, but of course the Force had other plans for him.

“ Is there anything you need, Siri ? ” he asked, looking over his shoulder to meet the girl’s pale gaze — so many unsaid words felt heavy on his tongue, and part of him desperately wanted to speak freely with his friends, but he couldn’t. Recently Obi-Wan’s been using the same method to get out of long conversations with every single one of them, but oddly enough he didn’t feel guilty at all about brushing off their worries, go back in time, and he would have been drowning in guilt. His brows furrowed together at the worried look etched into her youthful features, not used to seeing such an expression coming from the younger Padawan, “ Is something amiss? ”  
⠀  
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Siri wanted to slap him. Just who did he think he was? Acting like everything was fine when it clearly was _not_ , he managed to keep overwhelming them so that they wouldn’t bring up what has been going on lately, and she _hated_ it. “ Are you... _Are you being serious right now_?? ”  
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The moment a glimpse of anger had shown itself in her crystal blue eyes, he knew where this whole thing was going, and so he straightened his postute to brace himself against whatever his young friend wanted to get through his thick skull. And as always, he bit his tongue to keep his own words to himself, knowing that arguing back would only fuel her anger and likely spark his own, then whatever Siri came for had been for nothing. Alarms went off in his mind as she circled him, fingers itching for the familiar weight of his lightsaber as wariness settled in his thoughts, warning him that she might pose as a threat and that he was currently unarmed, _‘ calm yourself, Kenobi. ’_ he thought.

“ Remember how we used to talk about everything with each other? Those nights we spent at Quin's place? Hours of utter nonsense but also heartfelt moments? You used to tell us things, Nobi, you used to trust us. Now you're like a damned stranger! ” Siri wasn’t going to hold back like Bant did, not this time, and he would never get the chance to change the subject now. “ Don't you... Don't you trust us anymore, Obi-Wan? ”

 _You're hurting them you fool_. His expression was unreadable, but his eyes held the faintest glimmer of what he was feeling — this was agony, all of it, especially now since he clearly hurt his friends, were they even his friends anymore? It didn’t look like they were friends anymore. “ Don't ask stupid questions, Siri. Of course I still trust you all, you're my.... you're my _friends_. ”

“ Then talk to us! _We just want to help you_. You've been hiding _everything_ from us. You've been shielding yourself every hour of every day. You're just a shell of who you used to be. Nobi, you're too kriffing stubborn to accept the fact that _you. need. help._ ” she hissed, wanting to take a step closer but forcing herself to stay put, somewhat afraid that he would hurt her. Just the thought of it made her feel betrayed. Siri avoided his gaze, her eyes narrowing and her nails digging into the soft flesh of her palms, she tried to regulate her breathing, in hopes that she would calm down by doing so. But seeing him like this, so withdrawn and painfully blank, it not only fueled her anger — causing the raging inferno to explode beneath her skin, it also made her heart ache. Obi-Wan didn’t deserve what happened to him, he used to be the brightest of them all, but now he was just a flickering flame waiting to be blown out.  
⠀  
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He was exhausted. He felt the heaviness in his bones, and that brought him to a state of near constant frustration, it was a never - ending walk down roads of old memories and old wounds, and now was he more grateful for his training than ever before. Obi-Wan hid behind a veil of lies he skillfully crafted and weaved into his life. He was destroying himself, yet he enjoyed every single second of it, this was what he deserved — Obi-Wan deserved no happiness, because he only took it away from others, he didn’t deserve peace. When Siri placed a hand on his shoulder, he thought his body would finally cave in, no longer stable enough to support the strong facade he had been keeping up. He missed the days where they had not one drop of worry on their minds, the days where being chaotic was one of the most relieving things they could ever experience, he missed the days where they slept in a comfortable bed while being snuggled up to each other, ignoring the looks of disapproval some Knights and other Padawans gave them.

Obi-Wan wanted to have those days again. To be with his friends and keep them safe, but he was scared, too many _what if's_ whispered into his ears, the fear of causing harm always this shadow that loomed over him. “ You all mean too much to me. I can't. . . lose you, not one of you. That's why I can't talk about it, what I've done. The things _they_ have done to me. You don't need to carry the burden of knowing these things. ”

He sighed softly. “ I'm tired, tired of hiding who I truly am, tired of trying to stay strong. Tired of pretending that everything is fine when all I want to do is cry. Tired of not being able to let go of all the guilt, pain, and emotions that consume me. _I'm tired_ of being a worthless bastard who can't seem to keep those he _loves_ safe. I'm just another failure, Siri, just like they said I would be. No matter how hard Master Qui-Gon tries to change me. ” he was glad his tone never wavered, that his voice did not shake even with the tears making his vision blur.

“ I have done terrible things, my friend, to others and myself. I don't want to hurt you, or any of our friends, but I'm scared that I will. Siri, I-I don't know who I am anymore... ”  
⠀  
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The force of her embrace knocked them both to the ground. “You're not going to lose me, Obi-Wan. Not me, not Bant, Quin, Garen, Reeft, or Kit. We're here for you, and we want to help, accept that, _please_. ” he had never heard her voice so soft, so _vulnerable_. But he couldn’t, he would be betraying the Council if he told his friends what happened.

“ _I can't, Siri. I'm so sorry, but I can't._ ”  
⠀  
⠀  



End file.
